Author Archives: susezit

About susezit

~ Expressing random thoughts and issues is my thing. ~ I’m complicated. ~ I understand quirky. ~ I'm a work in progress. ~ I've discovered I'm pretty strong. ~ I'm trying to become the me I've always wanted to be. (Essays are original works of the author. All rights reserved.)

Jun28

THE NOTHINGNESS OF DOING NOTHING

Posted on June 28, 2015 by susezit

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A garbage truck rumbles down the road clattering and harrumphing noisily as the air brakes screech. The trash cans clatter over and over again as the truck stops at each house. Another noisy truck with a delivery of stone for a neighbor arrives…boom, boom, boom, the tailgate lifts and tons of stone plummet to the ground in a thunderous crash. A back hoe starts pushing the stone around. A cat cries from somewhere outdoors; the seagulls shriek. So much for a peaceful morning.

There is nothing much on my agenda today except that I am, indeed, supposed to be resting. Something I just have a hard time doing. Fact is I don’t know how to relax. I don’t know how to give in to all that needs to be done and just sit. Some people have it down, but I’m just not one of them. I sit up in bed reading my morning devotionals trying to find some meaning or parallels between the lines. The weather is cloudy and rainy and cool, dampening my mood. My cat purrs quietly by my side, content with nothing more than being with me and having me gently stroke her head. I wish contentedness was this easy for me, but the fact is, I have never really been content. I sip hot coffee from a mug with the inscription, “Faith isn’t always a leap. Sometimes it’s just one little step after another, with lots of falling down and getting back up in between.”

Figuratively, it seems that lately I’ve been doing a lot of falling down and getting back up. My latest predicament is that I have literally fallen down and gotten back up but have broken my toe while doing so, snapping it like a pretzel at the base of my foot. It’s surprising painful. I mean, it’s only a toe, and I only have to keep it taped and wear a clunky boot to protect it, but it has, in fact, cramped my style. I don’t do much in the form of exercise, but I love to walk. That form of exercise is relaxing to me. Now when I hobble down the road a short way to give my dog Bella some sort of exercise, I start to feel the throbbing. And the dorsum of my foot starts to ache, so I hobble right back to the house. I miss playing with and chasing my two little grandsons around. And I know it’s only a toe, and I know so many others struggle with so much that this is only relative to a chipped nail. I get that. It’s not major…just annoying.

Going deeper, I feel that maybe God is once again working His mysterious ways. Maybe He knew I needed a break…figuratively and literally. In a way I feel like this is another lesson in learning because I’ve just come off the stress of two very demanding, albeit non-financially lucrative jobs. Fact is this time is a much-needed reprieve and time of reflection. If only I could try to benefit from the nothingness of doing nothing. If only I could stop the worry and start trusting in what the future holds. It’s got to be good, right?! I’ll chalk today’s gloom up to the rainy day because I know this, too, shall pass. I get out of bed determined not to worry so much and to trust more, and, oh yeah, to try to relax.

Feb17

SURROUNDED BY LOVE

Posted on February 17, 2015 by susezit

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Booie

It’s been a week since I had to make the decision to say farewell to my cat, Booie He had been sick for a little over a month, and I kept hoping he would get better. In the end the cause ended up being liver failure. I prayed to God to take him naturally because making a decision to end an animal’s life is so very hard in all of its emotions. But that was not to be the case. People say it’s the kindest thing you can do for your ailing pet, but I’m torn on that one. But he is now free from his suffering.

Booie was one third of the “Three Amigos” that became a part of my family 11 years ago. His Mom, Meow-Meow, wandered by our house one day when we lived in the country, and she never left. She had a litter of kittens shortly thereafter, and she and her two sons, Booie and Colin have been part of my family ever since. It’s been wild and crazy with them, and Booie wasn’t the easiest cat in the world to love. He was skittish and hyper and hid more often than not. He survived and adjusted to three moves in his lifetime, and only got really friendly and cozy in the last year. Although he was odd, I loved him just the same. He’s left a void in the house, and the two other cats often search him out. It’s heartbreaking to watch.

Three Amigos

Molly, Skylar and Shana

I’ve been an animal lover since my earliest recollection, which is four years old. I was highly allergic to cats as a youngster, but still insisted on rescuing a white cat that was hanging out around our house. Since I couldn’t take it into our house, I had grand ideas to build him/her a little wooden house in our yard and even gathered a few pieces of wood for the project. I don’t know what ever happened to that cat. I think it must have been owned by someone in the neighborhood because I never saw it again.

Gigi

My first dog Gigi lived to a ripe old age of 16. She was always at my side like Lassie. She followed me wherever I went, which was kind of neat. She never wandered from my side, sort of like a guardian angel. I was 6 when I got her and 22 when she passed. She is the only pet I’ve had that went naturally and peacefully of heart failure. Since then I have had a barrage of pets, mostly rescues, that have brightened my life with so much joy. I can still remember each and every one with such fondness: Chipper, Peaches, Tasha, Spike, Shana, Wendy, Molly, Ozzy and Skylar. They mostly came in twos, sometimes threes. All quirky and funny and full of love.

Shana and Wendy

Bella, Ozzy, Skylar

I really don’t understand people who don’t like animals. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I feel happiest when I’m surrounded by my pets. In fact, I’d rather spend time curled up with my dog and two cats more than anything else these days.

And I can’t help to think that some day, if I’m lucky enough to have lived my life well enough to enter the pearly gates, I will be greeted by all my furry and feathered friends. I imagine that they’ll run to me, tails wagging feverishly as they circle me prancing and frolicking around me, ecstatic to see me as much as I will be to be with them again.

I’ll be surrounded by their love once more…that’s my hope and dream anyway.

My angel Molly

Nov24

THANKSGIVING REFLECTIONS

Posted on November 24, 2014 by susezit

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Thanksgiving is the time, of course, for giving thanks, and you don’t have to think very hard or look very far to start counting your blessings. I like to consider myself a thankful person, even in the face of adversity. I’m not always as positive as I should be, but I’m thankful. When I was a young girl, I used to make a little production about writing my blessings down on paper on Thanksgiving Day. They would be simple, something like: Thank you for my mom and dad and brother and grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. Thanks for Gigi my dog who follows me wherever I go. Thanks for my best friends Gayle and Tommy. Thanks for our color TV. Thanks for my teacher Miss McGurk…I really like her a lot. It was all very simple and to the point because at that age you don’t think into the depths of what true thanks entails.

As the years have unfolded, giving thanks on Thanksgiving Day has become deeply reflective and maybe a bit more complicated. Not everyone gets to live in that Norman Rockwell painting depicting the perfect Thanksgiving. I’m embarrassed to say that some years, depending on where I am at that point, I become a bit arid on the subject. Circumstances like the loss of loved ones or financial blows or job changes that didn’t turn out for the better or health problems or loneliness. I’m sure others who are going through the ups and downs of life may have similar feelings. It’s just that sometimes our perspectives get strained and fuzzy, and it’s hard to imagine that things will ever get better, even though they usually do.

At these times I like to try really hard to look at my daily life and at the little things that make me happy. It mostly revolves around nature and pets. Like admiring a gorgeous pink and blue sunrise over the bay or making wishes on the thousands of brilliantly twinkling stars in the clear night sky. Enjoying the splendor of a full, round blue moon. I admire the spectacular magnificence of the ocean or the colorful array of autumn leaves or the ability to breath in the clear cool air on my daily walks. I snuggle with my pets who make me laugh as I enjoy their amusing antics. I try to savor good food and try new recipes. Mostly, I try really hard not to dwell on the “what ifs?” It’s not always easy.

So, if I can offer a suggestion to those who need a boost on this Thanksgiving Day, if you’re losing hope…give thanks that tomorrow is a brand new day to begin again.

If you think you’ll never get ahead financially, give thanks that you have enough for this day.

If you’re lonely, have faith that you never know what surprises may be in store for you.

If you have a roof over your head and heat to keep you warm on these frigid winter nights, remember you are luckier than many.

If you’re sick, be hopeful in your doctor and medicine and that in time it will get better.

If you’ve had a good dinner and your belly is full, you are truly blessed.

If you can get up in the morning and move at all, try to remember there are those who can’t.

Minimize the negative; accentuate the positive, even when it takes all the strength you can muster up to do so. And just keep it simple.

For my expanding family which includes my beautiful, brand new grandsons, my friends, relatives and loved ones. My faith. My crazy pets. A place to live. My health. Work. Good food. Creature comforts. The beauty of nature. The promise of hope. In all of this I give thanks to my dear, sweet, generous God.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

Sep15

THE GREATEST LOVE I EVER KNEW…

Posted on September 15, 2014 by susezit

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…just happened to come in two!

From the late-night phone call nervously announcing their impending premature birth, to running frantically through the airport barefoot (no time to put my shoes back on) as I try frantically to catch the next plane to Florida, to the long ride to the hospital and past the four security checkpoints, to the maternity room for my first “love at first sight moment” with these two precious little baby boys, I’m hooked. Twin grandsons! Imagine that?!? Doubly blessed! Twice the love!

Now I’m this grandmom-type person called “Mimi.” As any grandparent will tell you, there is absolutely nothing that can describe that proverbial soft spot you immediately develop in your heart the first time you see them and hold them. As you breathe in their sweet scent, the joyful tears pour from your eyes as a knot forms in your throat. You remain speechless, sobbing uncontrollably as you kiss their precious, little heads for the first time and gaze at them in wonder.

I have to tell you this brand new role as granny is pretty darned cool! It’s indescribable. It’s the next best thing to becoming a parent, only better! This all-encompassing capacity to love is surprising, especially coming from a jaded heart that’s almost given up on love. I’ve turned into a pile of mush, wanting to do nothing else but cuddle them in my arms and protect them from the big, bad world.

A few months have passed since that miraculous day they entered this world. They’ve already grown in such leaps and bounds. I’m trying to slow life down so I can savor every tiny milestone, but it’s not working. I miss them when I’m not with them. The moment I leave their house, I want to go back because I’m afraid I might miss something. The tug on my heartstrings is awful. The greatest joy so far is the big toothless grin I get when they see me. Do they really recognize me?! I feel like a rock star. Be still my leaping heart as my cup runneth over with love! I melt into a puddle when I hear their baby babblings as they discover their voices, which startles them at first. I can hardly take the preciousness, if that is a word. It’s just so priceless!

I’d like to gush on, but for your sake I won’t. So much more is yet to come, and I can’t wait until tomorrow to see what they’re up to and to report on their adventures! Mostly, I can’t wait to see how long I can continue to travel on this earthly journey to watch them grow into the very best men they can be. Their parents will make sure of that. God willing, I’ll be here to see for a very long time to come.

But for now, all I want to do is rock them and sing them sweet lullabies as they contentedly suck on their bottles, looking up at me wide-eyed and curious with those big blue eyes. They’re probably wondering who this lady is. What do you think, kids?! Just call me Mimi!

Aug14

LIFE IS FRAGILE

Posted on August 14, 2014 by susezit

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Life is fragile. The mind is complicated. What we tell ourselves we believe.

Robin Williams is gone. A radiant spirit full of laughter and fun and talent has departed. I don’t get it. I, like most, can’t comprehend the complicated answer to the question of why.

It must have taken a great deal of agonizing courage and pain for him to choose to walk away from life. To leave forever those he loved. That would be unbearable for most. I can’t help but think that he contemplated his departure for a long time. It couldn’t have been something he did on a whim. His unhappiness must have been intolerably overwhelming in light of the way he chose to leave this world.

Robin’s magnitude of success in life seemed immeasurable. His stellar career; loving family; celebrity status. It all superficially seemed grand. And yet, something inside of his mind, something he told himself blurred his vision. It’s not that he didn’t seek help; he did. It’s not that he had a horrible life; he didn’t. But there was something inside of his brilliant mind that wouldn’t allow him peace in his own existence.

What we tell ourselves we believe. That’s why it is so important not only to be kind to others, but to be especially kind to yourself…to believe in yourself and to be your own rock of support and encouragement. To have faith that no matter what it is you’re going through, it will get better. And never give up.

To Robin – Wishing you the peace you sought. To his family – Wishing you much courage and strength as you grieve your beloved.

Jul3

EMBRACE IT

Posted on July 3, 2014 by susezit

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I hit a milestone birthday recently, and I’ve had mixed emotions about it. At first, I dug my heels in and felt as if I were being dragged kicking and screaming into the next decade. I held on so tightly to the old that my body stiffened, refusing to face the new. How could I be this age when I didn’t feel any older? How did I end up being this old anyway? Sometimes I felt like I was 18, but when I looked into the mirror I could see the inevitable changes in my body that I’ve fought against all these years. It’s a very tiring battle; one that isn’t so easy to combat. When my daughter posted a picture with my actual age on Facebook, I was mortified. And when I let her know how upset I was, she said “Embrace it!”

Embrace it…Embrace it…I thought about it over and over again. Being my age isn’t easy to embrace. Trust me. Yeah, yeah, life doesn’t always turn out the way you planned, blah, blah, blah. That’s a given. But things that brought me to this place in time are amazing events in my history. There’s so much joy along the way and so many gifts and blessings. They definitely overshadow the not-so-great things that have occurred to the point that they don’t hold a lot of relevance in the present.

I’ve realized that the one single most important thread that weaves through my life, strengthening it with each passing day is the love that surrounds me. The love of two of the all-time greatest daughters in the whole wide world. The love of my brother, my son-in-law, family and friends that are the very best ever. And then ultimately there are my two brand new twin grandsons who make me want to go on and live as long as I can hope for and reach decade after decade so I can watch them grow and see the promise of their lives unfold. For them my cup runneth over with so much love in a gushy-heart new kind of way that can’t be explained. In the past during times of trial I used to question how much more I could take; now I know I can take anything life has to offer as long as I have this love that surrounds me like a warm, fuzzy blanket…with threads of new and old intertwining…to keep me strong on the journey of where my life leads me.

So cheers to me…Happy 60th. There, I’ve said it! It’s out! Embrace it!!!

Jun23

CRASHED!

Posted on June 23, 2014 by susezit

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My computer crashed. It had been doing funky things for a month or so, but I just thought it was being finicky. I tried to get it fixed with no luck and in the end I lost everything. It was a nightmare…for me. I was left to grieve (and shout) why, why, why? It was like a sudden death that I had to mourn, and I missed it like an old friend. Sadness shrouded me. I finally said my goodbyes and tucked it away in my closet like an urn. I know I will revisit it from time to time. Sadly, I may even try fruitlessly to revive it again some day (or maybe just let it go.)

So where do you begin when three years of your past are tucked away on an irretrievable hard drive somewhere in Never Land? I hate endings and change of any kind. New beginnings seem so daunting to me. Trying to figure out where to even begin was a chore. Because of financial tribulations, I was not able to immediately run out and purchase a new computer. I was left to borrow this one and that one and try to do what I had to do at everyone else’s convenience. It sucked. I let my writing go South for a while, on a vacation so to speak. But I missed grabbing my computer when a random thought appeared in my brain. I missed sitting in my bed at night pouring out my heart on the keyboard to no one in particular. I know some important thoughts, to me that is, went by the wayside.

But then I was given an “all-in-one wrapped into one gift (Mother’s Day, birthday, etc.)” by my lovely, generous daughters. It was super exciting. (Since I thought I was getting Sephora eye liner!) But it was different – the look, the feel, the boxes floating in and out and up and down. The screen jumping around, and me, an aging dinosaur, trying to figure it all out. Wait, where did my document go? How do I get back to that screen? AAAHHHHH!!! What it this contraption?!?!? Where was my good old computer with my old way of doing things?! It took some doing…some discovering of new tricks, and it’s getting less challenging every day. This aging dog is finally learning some new tricks. And it’s kind of exciting to see what the future holds, and I’m so grateful to be back in action.

I hope you guys didn’t get bored and impatient and go somewhere else. I hope you’re still checking out my site from time to time. ‘Cause I’m back to share more Tales from My Heart, with so many exciting new adventures to come.

And I’ve been assured that what I have on this computer will automatically go to a Cloud somewhere in the universe where, should something like this happen again, I’ll be able to retrieve what has been lost. That is mind-boggling to me. Way cool! I can only hope.

May12

NOW IS YOUR ONCE UPON A TIME

Posted on May 12, 2014 by susezit

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I have a weakness for fairy tales and magical adventures, especially the Cinderella kind. You know, the once upon a time where you wish upon a star and your dreams come true as you live happily ever after. Of course, life doesn’t always turn out that way, does it?! For some, maybe; for most, not so much. So the other day when I saw a little girl wearing a bright purple tee-shirt with this exact logo, “NOW IS YOUR ONCE UPON A TIME” it touched my heart and questioned my perspective on how to live life. It was an in my face dare kind of moment and one which everyone should heed.

I write this especially as a bit of free advice to all the fresh-faced, eager June graduates who are just starting out on their journey. (And, oh, how I envy you and wish I could do it over!) These things I have found to be true since I have moved back to the stern of the boat of life. The truth is you have to create your own storybook life. Your own once upon a time. You have to aggressively chase your dreams. It doesn’t just happen like in the fairy tales. You can’t just wait around wishing upon a star for, say, the perfect job to fall into your lap. You can’t make a better life for yourself if you stay locked up in that ivory tower scrubbing floors waiting for your fairy godmother to free you or for Prince Charming to come along. You have to awake from your slumber and rethink eating apples from strangers. You have to be bold enough to take that trip down the rabbit hole and discover a new wonderland. Face it, no one’s going to find your lost glass slipper and rescue you.

As you graduate, remember that today is the day your story begins. Right now. And the beauty of it is that each you get a chance to continue your story or begin anew. Keep trying and keep reinventing yourself. Remember that no one else will do it for you. At some point, fate will step in and see you through. And don’t get me wrong, I still believe in fairy tales but in a proactive kind of way.

You can still wish upon a star but be willing to reach up and grab it. If you lose your glass slipper, search until you find it, no matter how long it takes. Kiss the frog; stand up against the dragons and don’t be afraid to walk through the forest alone. Dare to dream but actively work as hard as you can to make your own wishes come true. Hopefully, your once upon a time will have a storybook ending and you’ll live happily ever after!

Apr16

I’ll Love You Forever

Posted on April 16, 2014 by susezit

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It’s a cold and rainy night, the wind is howling, and I’m feeling kind of lonely. I sit cuddled up in my easy chair with Bella trying to entice me to throw her ball as my cat purrs peacefully by my side. I have a lot on my mind…more changes…all good. I’m a little apprehensive since there is fear in the unknowing, especially change you don’t see coming. Not a fan. But the changes I see coming are exciting, so I’m anxious in a good way.

I received a gift today from a friend…two baby books and a grandmother brag book. Yes, my baby is having a baby…two in fact! Twin boys…twice the love! I’m so excited I can hardly contain myself. One of the gifts was a book called “Love You Forever,” by Robert Munsch. It’s about a little boy who goes through the stages of childhood and becomes a man. It’s also about the enduring nature of parents’ love and how it crosses generations (this, by the way, is the description on the liner). I used to read this book to my girls when they were little. I always cried because it’s kind of sad in a way, especially if you picture yourself as the mom who is growing old. As I read, my younger daughter Megan used to watch me intently waiting for me to cry. I can still see her beautiful blue eyes peering up at me from her round, cherub face, rosy cheeks, blonde pigtails bound high on her head. Now she is having babies of her own. My heart aches tonight for that little girl.

The other night my older daughter Katie curled up next to me in my chair like she used to do when she was a little girl, telling me about something on her mind. I thought about how I missed the nearness of her. I miss the warmth and comfort when all three of us cuddled up and read. Now they are all grown. I just don’t know where the time goes.

In a few short weeks I’ll be holding my precious little grandsons. I’m imaging what they’ll look like, how big they’ll be, the sounds they’ll make. I’m praying all goes well and trusting in God for all good things. I’m wondering how my life will change for the better with the arrival of these precious bundles from heaven. I try not to think too far into the future because I want to enjoy each day and not fret about how fast the time will go before they are grown. I tell my daughter to cherish each moment with them, especially infancy, which will go by in a wink of an eye. I’m already trying to slow time down before they are even here. I’m looking forward to the liveliness of new life, and the joy they’ll bring. The new, fresh air they’ll breathe into our family. I’m so excited!!

But for now I’ll just sit back and relax as I await the new arrivals. I’ll hold my girls close in my heart as I read:

I’ll love you forever,

I’ll like you for always,

As long as I’m living

My baby you’ll be.

Apr5

Because You Can

Posted on April 5, 2014 by susezit

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Do you ever consider doing something simply because you can?

I read a phrase this morning from my daily devotional describing an early morning wake-up call from a bird just outside an open window. The bird tweeted (literally) softly breaking the silence of the night. With that, he/she led the way for all the other birds that slowly followed suit filling the air with the reverberation of a melodious cacophony. The writer made the observation that the bird sang simply because he could and led the way for a symphony of nature’s orchestra at their finest.

Consider all the things you do in a day that you take for granted. Getting out of bed, making your breakfast, driving your car, working, taking care of your children, walking, running, biking, swimming. Some of these things others can’t do and wished they could.

We are all given specific gifts and talents that were especially designed just for us.

Take me, for instance.I love to write. Good, bad or indifferent, it comes to me fairly easily. I get an idea and usually go for it. So I write because I can. A doctor heals because he/she can, a teacher teaches, a fisherman fishes, a salesperson sells, a dancer dances, a government official leads, mothers have children, all because they can. On and on it goes. Every person you come in contact with follows suite. Not only every person, but every being. Birds sing and fly, fish swim, cats meow, dogs bark…you get the picture. It comes naturally. It’s a gift.

What a travesty it would be not to use the gifts you have been blessed with simply because you choose not to. Consider the alternative. What would happen if the morning songbirds decided not to sing…how eerily quiet. Or the sun didn’t rise…how dark and depressing. Or you couldn’t walk or see or hear or be a productive being on the earth?

Are you doing something simply because you can? I hope so. You never know what a beautiful, melodious cacophony it will lead to. One you actually start and are part of, so just try. Just do it. Because you can.