Author Archives: susezit

About susezit

~ Expressing random thoughts and issues is my thing. ~ I’m complicated. ~ I understand quirky. ~ I'm a work in progress. ~ I've discovered I'm pretty strong. ~ I'm trying to become the me I've always wanted to be. (Essays are original works of the author. All rights reserved.)

Jul19

SWEATAPHOBIA

Posted on July 19, 2013 by susezit

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The weather outside is frightening here in New Jersey, and if you live anywhere in the vicinity, you know I’m not talking about snow and ice. I mean, it…is…stifling! With the heat index making it feel like 103 degrees in the shade, even breathing this humidity-laden vapor is an effort. Walking from your home to the car or vise versa is enough to generate a steady stream of sweat right down the middle of your back. You know what I’m talking about. I mean, sweating is just gross!

Right about this time of year is when I declare that I will NEVER complain about the freezing cold temperatures of winter EVER again. But, as always, right about mid-January when the yearning for snow for Christmas has passed, I will start. It’s inevitable. I mean, wouldn’t it be great to be bundled up in your cozy jacket as the temperature dips below 50 degrees right about now? Let’s close our eyes and just imagine…I’m feeling better already. Fantasy rocks!

My parents were fan people. (Sounds cult-ish, doesn’t it?) In my Mom’s words, they just didn’t “care for” air conditioning. Don’t ask me why. Instead, they insisted that the “breeze” generated from a few strategically-placed fans on each floor of our split level home was enough to create a cross breeze that would cool the entire house down. My Dad served in the army infantry, therefore, somehow became an expert in the field of fan placement. Did it work? Not so much. Plus, wanting to be heard over the roar of these appliances would require a megaphone, so not much talking went on in our house in the summer. I mean that house in August was deafening! Plus, I can still recall waking up drenched in sweat since the fan breeze thing just wasn’t doing it for me. No wonder I spent most of the summer immersed in our neighborhood pool.

Now let me say two words that will fix this sweataphobia….air conditioning. Let’s have a collective AAAHHH!… Wikipedia defines air conditioning as the process of altering the properties of air (primarily temperature and humidity) to more favorable conditions. All I can say to that is AMEN! Alter away!

Air conditioning. What would we do without it? It belongs in the same category as the little things in life that we take for granted, so let’s have these sweltering temperatures be a reminder to be grateful for those little things in life that in reality turn out to be quite large. Things like the purr of that Trane compressor blowing out its cooling breeze across our steamy bodies as we cozy up for a long summer’s nap.

Give a shout out to that major appliance designed to change the air temperature to a comfortable 68 degrees. Hip hip hooray!

Keep cool.

Jul4

HEARTFELT THANKS TO OUR MILITARY

Posted on July 4, 2013 by susezit

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Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose…

Not sure I agree with the words of Kris Kristofferson regarding the song he wrote for Janis Joplin. Of course, he wasn’t speaking of freedom but the loss of a love. So, what’s that got to do with the price of eggs, you may ask?!

The point I’m trying to make is you’ve lost everything if you’re not free. What would we be without it? If you need an answer, just take a look at the news and what goes on when a country lacks it. To name a few…trials, persecutions, starvation and humiliation humans go through at the hands of those who don’t know the meaning of the word and fight to the death to prevent people from having it. It’s terrifying and infuriating all at the same time.

We are truly blessed to live in a country where the pickings and choosing of our lives are our choice and not the government’s. Yes, our government isn’t without fault, but all in all we live in the land of the free and the home of the brave. We live where our freedom is watched over and defended daily by our military who keep us safe in the present, in the past and in the future. We owe it all to those brave enough to stand up against those who want to take it away.

Freedom’s not free. Please remember that the next time you see a soldier because they are paying the steep price. Say thanks. Pray for them. Show your gratitude. They are the ones allowing us to be able to happily enjoy our picnics and barbeques of hot dogs, burgers, corn and watermelon with our family and friends on this beautiful day of remembrance. Later on maybe we’ll watch the brilliant fireworks and not have to worry that they are exploding bombs.

The song continues…Nothin’ ain’t nothin’ but it’s free. And we want the kind of freedom that’s more than nothin’, right?

Jun24

FACING YOUR FEARS WITH FAITH

Posted on June 24, 2013 by susezit

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I wasn’t going to watch Nik Wallenda’s skywire walk over the Grand Canyon. I just didn’t have it in me. I have a ferocious fear of heights, and the thought of what he was going to do drove me into a dizzying tailspin.

A few years ago while visiting my Aunt Joan and Uncle Stan in Cave Creek, Arizona, they surprised me with a trip to the Grand Canyon. It made me excited and anxious all at the same time. But the thought of the impending trip made me weak with anxiety. How was I really going to experience this majestic place without having a major panic attack. Small cliffs and bridges made me weak. How would I manage to look out and down into these enormous canyons? As we drove the car up the road to the canyon, my heart pounded in my chest, and I was fraught with anxiety. I thought about asking them to drop me off at one of the souvenir shops along the road and pick me up when they were finished. But I couldn’t. They were so excited to show me this magnificent place, and I knew I couldn’t disappoint them.

We walked to the edge of the first lookout point. Rather, they walked out, and I stayed back a safe distance, stealing quick glances and then looking away. Words cannot describe the beauty and awe of this sacred place even with my fleeting glimpses. But my heart once again started palpitating too fast, I started to sweat and had the overwhelming feeling of falling. I turned and walked away. I looked for the nearest souvenir shop and browsed until they were ready to move on. That’s how most of the day went. At each lookout site, I took a quick peek and then retreated. I felt like a weirdo. How I survived the day I’ll never know. In the end, I wanted a picture of me with the canyon in the background and stopped at one of the picture points, but instead of moving forward to it, I turned around and inched carefully backwards. Then I had the sensation of falling backwards down the canyon, but they took a quick snap before I retreated. At the end of the trip a lightning storm appeared over the canyon and flashed brilliant zigzags through the crevices. I watched in awe. It was just overwhelmingly beautiful, and I was sorry to have been such a dope.

Fast forward to today and to Nik Wallenda’s skywire walk. I’m not watching that! I stated emphatically to anyone who would listen. How could he do such a ridiculous thing? Is he crazy?!?!? The fact was, I couldn’t bear to see him fall, reenacting my biggest fear. But when the time came for the show, I somehow couldn’t change the channel or turn away. His family and he prayed at the beginning with Joel Osteen, who is my all-time favorite evangelist. I watched as he prepared. I watched as he took the first step on the line. My heart started pounding. He started to pray aloud. I love you, Jesus. Guide my steps, Lord. You are the King of Kings. Tears started rolling down my face. I started to pray with and for him. He continued…Steady this cable, dear Father. Calm this wind. Calm me. Use this for Your own glory, Lord. Thank you, Jesus. I stayed with him. I couldn’t look away, even though the sites were dizzying. I couldn’t turn the channel. I watched and listened as Nik’s father encouraged him through his earpiece and couldn’t help to think that was just what God does as we face our own challenges. He calms our fears as we trust in Him.

I saw the fear on Nik’s face, but he kept moving forward. I saw him look down and watched with him as he commented on the beauty below him. Nik Wallenda is a shining example of a true man of great faith. God was guiding him, and it turned out for me to be a learning lesson in faith and trust. I’ll never forget the overwhelming feeling of bravery as he prayed and trusted in God to guide him to the other side. And then 22 minutes and 54 seconds later…he finished the 1,400 ft. walk, touching ground on the other side. I watched as he hugged his wife and children. I watched as he went off for a few minutes by himself with his head bowed, tears streaming down his face, certain he was giving thanks to almighty God. And I couldn’t help but cry as I also gave thanks to God for keeping him safe.

When I heard Nik say…Use this for Your own glory, Lord…I believe that is exactly what happened. I can’t help but think that many people who were watching were touched by his great faith. I know it renewed my own in a way that makes me feel stronger for the fears that I will face in the future…some that I can even see in the distance. Nik once said in an interview, “Danger was real but fear was a choice. What would happen if I chose faith instead?” And that’s exactly what he did.

I will often think of Nik and his treacherous walk of faith with God as he trusted fearlessly in the guiding hand of our Lord. And by his example, I will pray and ask God’s grace and strength as I make my own way across the treacherous skywires that I encounter.

Jun14

Happy Father’s Day, Dad

Posted on June 14, 2013 by susezit

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Me, my Dad and my brother

I ran into a store to pick up an item the other day and went to the register to pay for it. In front of me stood an old man wearing a baseball cap with day-old gray stubble and white Velcro sneakers looking just like my Dad in his later years. I didn’t think much of it until I looked at what he was purchasing…peanut brittle…Dad’s favorite.

My Dad has been gone for 17 years now, and I hadn’t thought about him in a while. I remembered how much he absolutely loved peanut brittle, and I used to buy a can of it for every occasion along with whatever I thought he might like. But he never seemed to want anything more than that peanut brittle.

My Dad was a tough guy. A Great Depression baby. He survived childhood poverty, an abusive father and World War II. He was rough around the edges and had a time-bomb temper. To be honest, we never got along. When I was young and was his little girl, he would have me running circles around him doing this chore and that chore, and I gladly did anything to please him. Nothing seemed to, though. At least that was my perception. As I got older and didn’t follow his orders as much as he would have liked, the fighting began. We were always at odds. He was very controlling, and I stepped into my “don’t give a crap” mode. We pulled away from each other as I went out into the world to try to find myself. I was described by someone during that period as kind of a hippie, but kind of not. My Dad didn’t care much for hippies, so the fact that I was dressing and acting like one disturbed him. No matter – I did what I pleased and sometimes did things just to aggravate him. Anything to get a rise out of him. I did this because I never felt encouraged or loved or cherished by him as a daughter should be.

During this “discovery” period, however, I ran out of gas at 2 in the morning after dancing in a club all night. I called him, waking him out of a sound sleep to ask for help. He was there 15 minutes later with a full gas can and never yelled at me once or mentioned it again. The only thing he was mad about was that he left the gas can on the side of the road by mistake, and it was gone when he went back to retrieve it. I guess I knew deep down inside he loved me because there were some finely woven shreds of evidence of it throughout my life as in this instance.

My Dad worked hard all his life to be sure we had a nice home, food on the table and clothing – all the creature comforts. Although he yelled a lot, he never touched us like his battering father did him. He broke that chain, which made me proud of him. But he never took me in his arms and hugged me either nor did he ever tell me he was proud of me. I know that generation wasn’t much for showing their feelings or their emotions, so part of me understood he just wasn’t that kind of guy. But I always felt something lacking because of it.

I didn’t understand why he cried like a baby as he walked me down the aisle on my wedding day. Or why he sobbed uncontrollably again during our father-daughter dance. It was a revelation to me. I was sure he loved being a good Pop-Pop to my kids, and as an adult he would do anything for me, even encouraging me to move home with my kids during a rough marital period. I finally decided that he must have loved me deep down inside in his own way all along, but it took years for me to figure that out.

I miss him every now and then. Like on Father’s Day. I wish he could have seen my kids grow up and graduate and get married. I wish I could just sit down with him one more time and crunch some of that peanut butter that he loved so much.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad.

Jun7

THE MANICURE

Posted on June 7, 2013 by susezit

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I don’t do manicures often because I’m usually too restless to sit there for too long. I did, however, break down and had a gel manicure with a gift certificate I received recently – maybe someone is trying to tell me something!

While sitting at the “drying station” I met two young girls. One had gotten a really cool gold and black design on her nails to match her prom dress – the event, of which was that evening. She was so very excited and chatting happily with us and her mother who sat next to her. I asked what she was doing after graduation – whether she was going to college. She said emphatically, “Oh no, I’ve never even had a job, and I feel like I should work for a while first.” I tried to make sense out of her statement, but smiled half-heartedly. I wanted to say, “No, no, no! Please try to go to college and get some kind of degree! Start at a community college if you want, but go right away while you’re young. Go now!” I know firsthand how hard the world has become. How awful the job market is no matter how much the politicians try to pull the wool over your eyes with their banter about how things are getting better and how unemployment is down. The competition is voracious. They will literally eat you alive! People will ignore you. You will feel invisible, even when you’re qualified and have the experience.

Then the girl sitting across from us spoke up – she was 25. I know this because someone asked if she were going to the prom as well, and she snickered and told us her age. Turns out she graduated from a great university a couple of years ago. She has a degree in criminal justice but hasn’t yet found a job in her field. She said she had recently taken a civil service exam to try to get into something…anything. She told the younger girl to dance the night away and enjoy the prom and her last days in high school. “It is the time of your life,” she said, “and if you go to college, that will be so much fun, too.” She looked sad. I had a feeling she was thinking that after that it’s all downhill. Struggling to get a job had taken a toll on her as it has on me. I don’t know what the answer is. Work or go to college? College isn’t for everyone, but without it, how can you compete at all?

The younger girl looked at mom and said dreamily, “Besides, I’m going to publish a book and make lots of money, so I won’t have to go to college.” I choked inside. I used to believe the same thing. I wanted to take her by the shoulders, look her square in the eyes and tell her that the reality of that happening was next to nil. That there were only a chosen few who got to live that life and have that dream come true, especially without the experience of what you learn in school. But I didn’t say anything. Youth need to have their dreams and their ambitions. They don’t need to be told how difficult it is out there as they excitedly prepare for the night of their life at prom.

I just smiled and wished her well and told her to have lots of fun at the prom. She smiled brightly back at me with starry eyes and off she went. I hope all of her dreams come true.

May29

ENJOY THE RIDE!

Posted on May 29, 2013 by susezit

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I hate flying…maybe I shouldn’t put it that harshly anymore because it’s kind of evolved into more of a love/hate relationship since I’ve been flying a little more frequently than I ever have. And, I’ve realized that it’s a perfect way to get from point A to point B without having to spend days in a car, so I’m learning to go with the flow.

Last week I was settling into my usual aisle seat on a crowded plane – a must for me. I guess I feel like I can escape quicker from that location, but to where I’m not quite sure. I don’t want a window seat since I’m fraught with a fear of heights and bouts with vertigo. I don’t want to sit in the middle because I feel trapped and a little claustrophobic. (I’m such a weirdo…) So I’m good in the aisle where I can busy myself checking out the other passengers and stretching my legs a little bit.

So all was calm…all was well as we sat in a holding pattern on the runway. But then all of a sudden the plane starts taxiing down the runway, and I immediately clench the arms of the seat so tightly my knuckles turn blue…as if holding on like that is going to do any good. The motors rev up, and I’m saying my prayers as I try to shut out of my mind all the things that can go wrong. Then I hear the happy, noisy chattering of two little kids, not more than 3 or 4 years old, two seats up across the aisle. They’re speaking in Spanish, so I’m not sure what they’re saying, but they are excited and squealing with delight as the plane powers up, speeds along the runway, eventually lifting off into the air. “WEEEE…..WEEEE,” they squeal bouncing up and down and laughing so loudly that it’s infectious. All the people around me start smiling and laughing, too. I can’t help but break out in a wide grin. Their dad tries to hush them, but sees that everyone else is having such a great time listening to their wonderful antics about their thrilling plane ride, that he also breaks into a broad grin. We are all enjoying this innocent outburst filled with so much glee that our hearts are lifted along with the plane. I’m surprised to realize that for the first time in my life I’m having a good time in an aircraft as I share in the chuckling with the people around me.

I’m reminded of what a gift childish innocence presents. All they know is the excitement and sensation of a kind of amusement ride as they ride in the magic plane! They have no fears. They are still immuned to adult thoughts of what could go wrong, and instead, go with the fun-filled flow and joy of it all. Why can’t I try to be more like these little children and think more about the exciting adventures aircrafts open up to us? The chance to go and visit loved ones in the blink of an eye, along with exploring our world is just a mere heartbeat of a ride away. Air travel is truly an amazing gift.

I’m going to try to be better and more fearless and less uptight the next time I board that big bird of the sky. I’m going to try to look at flying through the eyes of innocence, letting go and squealing with delight as I shout “WEEEE….WEEEE” as the plane takes off (to myself, of course!). Most of all, I’m going to keep forever in my heart the reaction of these two precious, little children who taught me to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride!

May27

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY

Posted on May 27, 2013 by susezit

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When I was an adolescent and the Vietnam War was in full tilt, there was a movement wherein you could purchase a metal wrist band with the name of a prisoner of war (POW) imprinted on it. The idea was to wear the band in support of that person until he was released.

My serviceman’s name was Lt. Col. Louis Makowski. That’s all I knew at the time. Much later I found out he was a 16 year veteran of the United States Air Force working as a navigator when his plane was shot down over North Vietnam on October 6, 1966. He was first reported missing in action (MIA) then later reported as a POW. I remember the sadness of those days as the many numbers of the fallen were reported daily on the news. I remember the protests, the peace signs, and the unrest in our country caused by this war.

I wore Lt. Col. Makowski’s wrist band for many years and prayed for him daily. I can’t even imagine the torture, physical abuse, starvation and loneliness this man suffered through. For four years there was no word about him or his whereabouts. Then in 1970, his wife began getting letters from the prison camp. He was alive and well.

As the war came to a close, the Vietnamese began releasing these prisoners. Television stations would broadcast their return to the United States at the airport and would announce their names one by one as they descended the ramp from the plane. I happened to be watching one of these broadcasts, and I couldn’t believe my eyes or my ears when they announced Lt. Col. Louis Makowski. He was released on March 4, 1973 after 6 ½ years of incarceration. I started crying as if I knew him. I took my bracelet off and kissed it. He was finally home safe.

I still have that bracelet, and every time I look at it I am reminded of that time in our history and of the brave military who fought during the Vietnam War. We should never forget any war –Vietnam, the World Wars, Korea, or the Mid-East confrontations or the details that helped us to rise above these conflicts. It is because of those who defended us that we enjoy our independence. And despite some of our nation’s recent challenges, it is still the land of the free and the home of the brave.

As we honor those who have sacrificed their lives for our country on this Memorial Day, let’s never forget and always be reminded of the price these dear soldiers paid for the privilege of our freedom. Even if the reminder is a small metal wrist band imprinted with the name of an unknown Air Force navigator.

P.S. This is a repost of a blog I wrote last Memorial Day. Since then I was able to contact now Col. Makowski…

Back in May I wrote a blog entitled, “Memorial Day Remembrance” about a POW bracelet I used to wear during the Vietnam War in support of an American prisoner of war, Lt. Col. Louis F. Makowski. Wearing the POW bracelet in his honor became a symbol of strength, bravery and hope for me, and when I had the privilege of watching Lt. Col. Makowski arrive home on TV, my heart leapt with pride and thanks to God for bringing him safely home.

It’s been almost 40 years since his release from that prison camp in Vietnam, where he was incarcerated for 6 ½ years. I’ve often wondered since then what became of him. So after the story was published, I decided to do some detective work and find out. I wrote him a letter and sent him a copy of the essay. I am happy to say I received a response from him and wanted to share the good news with you. I am pleased to report he is doing well. Now retired from the United States Air Force with the rank of Colonel, he lives a quiet life with his wife of 58 years, has four children and four grandchildren.

Among other things, Colonel Makowski wrote that he has hope for the future and our country’s winning back our God given American values. My heart was humbled by his very kind words to me, and I thanked this courageous and wonderful man for taking the time to respond. The lesson he has taught me through this experience is no matter what your circumstances are and how hard life can get, be strong, be brave and be hopeful. You can survive the trials you go through and go on to live a happy life.

God bless you, Colonel Louis F. Makowski and all our military…and my Dad, Sargeant Albert Rylak, World War II veteran, deceased, and God bless America!

May15

FORWARD NOT BACK

Posted on May 15, 2013 by susezit

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For me, the past few years or so have been fraught with knock downs. Who hasn’t had periods like that? It seems like one negative thing after another keeps happening, and you really have trouble finding the silver linings to all those gray clouds hanging over your head. Seems like they just will not go away. You know what I’m talking about.

In the midst of all the turmoil, I’ve developed a mantra…“FORWARD NOT BACK.” When I find my mind peeking into the past, dwelling in the negative places and wondering why, I try really hard to turn my thinking around by repeating these three simple words to myself, FORWARD NOT BACK. Surprise betrayals? FORWARD NOT BACK. Financial woes? FORWARD NOT BACK. Joblessness? FORWARD NOT BACK. Sickness? FORWARD NOT BACK. Rough times? FORWARD NOT BACK. Don’t know which direction to go? FORWARD NOT BACK.

In Ben Affleck’s acceptance speech at the Oscar’s this year he said a phrase with tears in his eyes that I immediately wrote down and keep tucked in my daily devotional. I repeat it to myself every morning. “It doesn’t matter how you get knocked down in life because that’s going to happen. What matters is that you gotta get up.” See?! Even Ben Affleck goes through rough times.

A few years ago I read a book based on a lecture written and given by Randy Pausch called, “The Last Lecture.” Randy was a professor at Carnegie Mellon University and was an award winning teacher. He was married to a beautiful woman Jai, had three young sons and was battling terminal pancreatic cancer. He wrote and gave this lecture as a legacy to his children. It was heart-wrenching to watch, and yet in the midst of all the tragedy surrounding this young family, there was an aura of positivity. It was mind boggling to see and experience. Randy said in his lecture that you had to decide if you were a Tigger or an Eeyore. Tigger doesn’t dwell on the “not helpful” stuff, but moves ahead making the best of the moment.

During one interview with Randy and Jai, she was asked how she copes with the inevitable. Jai said she taught herself a simple phrase when she began to go into a dark place. NOT HELPFUL. It became her mantra during this difficult time. It was a reminder to her to not let negative thoughts come between living fully with Randy in the present.

Life surprises you at every turn, sometimes whacking you upside the head with a super blow that knocks you off your feet. The secret, like Ben said, is that you gotta keep getting up. NOT HELPFUL; FORWARD NOT BACK…whatever you use, get yourself a mantra. It helps you to cope and diverts your attention away from the negative stuff and into the positive light. It’s a simple strategy but it works. Give it a try it.

May11

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

Posted on May 11, 2013 by susezit

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I love Mother’s Day. From macaroni necklaces to current day treasures, to me it is a positive reinforcement that I’ve done at least two things right in my life – Katie and Megan. I can still recall those soggy Cheerios breakfasts in bed as the girls, with big grins, eagerly watched me choke down the gooey circles. And my first Mother’s Day was so special as I proudly carried my firstborn Katie, adorned in a little pink dress with an eyelet bonnet framing her little cherub face to Church. I gazed at her in awe during the Mass, utterly amazed at this miracle, as the people around me smiled knowingly…so much love for and in one little creature. Two years after that my beautiful Megan was in my arms, carried to the same pew with big sister in tow as a rambunctious two year old making lots of noise.

When they were little, it was easy to know how to care for them. First as babies and then as little girls, it was instinctive to fulfill their needs and make them happy. Even in times of restlessness, I savored and enjoyed each moment.

The years have swiftly passed with many evolutions and powerful changes. There’s been so much learning and growing together, my girls and me. Now as a mom to adult children, I often find it not so easy to know what to do. To see them floundering or going in a difficult direction is hard when you want to steer them to your way of thinking of what would be better. The advice I give during times of stress doesn’t always go over well, and I’m finding, through experience, that listening is the only thing they really want from me at the moment. I have had to train myself to hold back my advice, along with the words I want to say. I’ve learned that most times they have to go through what they need to experience in order to learn and to grow into who they are meant to be. But it’s still hard, as a mom, to watch their struggles.

I can still see those two little cherub faces in the beautiful, grown women they’ve become. My heart bursts with pride at all the wonderful things they’ve accomplished and for the lives they’ve made for themselves. Although I fight the urge to dry their tears away and pick up their pieces, I continue to assure them that everything will be alright in the end, even though I know from experience that most things won’t turn out the way they’ve planned. But that’s life, isn’t it?!

So on this Mother’s Day I count the many blessings that have come to me through my two amazing children ~ these miraculous gifts from God! Without question, becoming a mother was the best thing I ever did.

Thanks, girls, for being such great kids and for making me proud!

May2

HOME

Posted on May 2, 2013 by susezit

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~What a comfort it is to know

that I have yet to meet my greatest love

I find strength in that fact and relief to realize

that no one has ever filled the gap

to gain that eternal notoriety

as the one to whom I compare the rest.

~I feel confident in understanding

that this time I have spent in mediocrity is not wasted

but is, instead, a learning and testing ground

providing me with the wisdom to recognize you when I see you.

~After the near tragedy of almost believing

that it was over for me

this thing called love.

~Nearly forcing me to almost consider

that my life would dissolve into

the catastrophe of forever looking back instead of forward.

~What a challenge

thrilling in a way

to understand that you’re still out there to be discovered

And that when I find you I’ll suddenly know

that it’s you.

~I’ll know that this transitional time

of loneliness and wanting was worth it

that there’s no more someday

only this day and each day after

as the pieces finally fit

and make sense.

~That with you, in you, through you

I am home.