Stephanie Marie

I’m feeling pretty sad today, even though the weather is warm and sunny and spring-like.  I’m missing my Mom. Today would have been her 89^th birthday. But she’s gone – she passed away on September 15, 1996.  It was sudden, even though she was sick.  I just did not see it coming and was in shock and mourning for quite some time. It was the day she was supposed to move in with me, and preparations for her homecoming abruptly became funeral arrangements.

Sixteen years have raced by in the wink of an eye.  So much has happened with my family and with me. Things are so different now. I would love nothing more than to sit down with my Mom and have a glass of her famous home-brewed iced tea and a piece of her cake with sweet icing and just talk awhile. She didn’t say much or give her opinion often, but when she did, she was right.  She was a good listener.  I wish I could have her here to listen to me now because I could sure use someone to talk to.  I’d like to tell her about my daughters – her granddaughters – whom she loved so much and was so proud of.  I’d like to tell her how well they turned out and what great lives they live. She would have been so proud to see them graduate from college.  She would like their fiancées and would joke around with them.  She would have loved to be here for their weddings and to help pick out their bridal gowns.

I would like to have the opportunity to tell her she was right about quite a few things, mostly about my ex-husband. She did give her opinion on that, but I didn’t listen. I don’t think she would say “I told you so.”  She would be more like, “it’s his loss, not yours.” She would be sad to know that I lost my job but proud that her son, my brother, stepped up and helped.  She would be concerned to hear about my troubles these past few years, but she would tell me patience is a virtue and that everything would turn out alright.  She would tell me to pray to God and ask the Blessed Mother to intercede.  I thank my mother for my deep faith in God.

My Mom was kind and gentle and sweet. She lived simply and never wanted for much. She was a nurturer, sort of like how I turned out to be.  She took plates of food to elderly neighbors and always had the neighborhood kids over for lunch or dinner. Our house was always opened, especially in the summer which was like camp for my cousins.  She was a great cook and baker, and holidays were amazing.  I wish I could go over her house one more time for an Easter feast or Christmas celebration.

Time passes much too quickly, and some days you’re left with an aching heart wishing you could be with those who have passed just one more time. Today is that day for me. Happy Birthday, Mom.  Thanks for being a great mom. I miss you.

Spring is in the air.  Birds are chirping, robins flitter around, and green sprouts prick through the earth with the promise of new life. Yet, it is only the last week in February.

I remember a similar time of year 28 years ago – February 27^th to be exact. The weather was just like today, and I saw my first robin of spring picking at the ground outside the hospital door as I arrived to deliver my baby. The new life would be Megan Marie Margaret Morton. 

Megan was born with a spring in her step and danced to the beat of a different drum.  She was an unusual child with a wild imagination which included her imaginary friend Jenny.  Creative, artistic, easy-going and playful would be words to describe her – a happy little girl with a big grin. Megan loved to dance, performing in her first recital at the age of 3 to the song “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini.” The recital was held at the War Memorial Building in Trenton, New Jersey, which was a huge venue. And there was my little Megan dancing barefoot on the big stage sporting a yellow polka dot bikini…and red toenail polish. She smiled broadly during the performance and shook her lace-ruffled derriere in the finale. She was a natural on stage, and I was sure she was destined for Broadway!

Megan grew up fast and went through all of her life stages with a lot of theatrics.  Her teen years were challenging, and yet she finished out high school with flying colors as a soccer player, cheer leader and half-time dancer. She went on to college, and her graduation day found me aching with pride for the woman she had become.

Being with Megan for her 28^th birthday celebration this year will include bridal dress shopping. Soon she will take on a new role as wife to her wonderful Matt and the next chapter of her life will begin. Maybe someday they will have a tiny dancer of their own.

Megan has been a joy of a daughter and has made me so proud to be her mother.  I most admire her fearlessness in taking on new adventures in life, and her no-nonsense directness in telling it like it is.  She is honest and trustworthy and never gives up – no matter what. She is a breath of fresh spring air in the midst of winter…with red toenail polish.

I love you, Meggie Marie.  Happy Birthday!

What is it about a rainbow that fills everyone with hope and joy?

My mood was kind of gloomy yesterday as I took my dog Bella for her morning walk. To the left of me the sky was ominously dark, threatening a major storm, but to the right the sun was shining brightly, peaking through bunches of white clouds.  As I turned to walk back to the house, a rainbow magically appeared stretching from the dark mass, over the roadway into the sunny portion of the sky. I have to tell you my heart leapt as a broad smile formed on my lips.  The gorgeous, colorful beauty of it made me feel as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I tried to decipher the beginning from the end as a light, misty rain began to fall.  A honking car pulled over to me and two smiling elderly women shouted out, “Do you see the rainbow?!!”  Further down the road another neighbor came running with her camera to get a better look, “Wow!” I passed two children waiting for the bus.  “Look, I pointed upward – look at the beautiful rainbow! It means it’s going to be a wonderful day,” I told them. I left them smiling and gazing upward at the mystical formation.

A rainbow is defined as an optical and meteorological phenomenon that causes a spectrum of  light to appear in the sky when the Sun shines onto droplets of moisture in the Earth’s atmosphere, taking the form of a single arc. Rainbows caused by sunlight always appear in the section of sky directly opposite the sun.

Some people think of rainbows as signs from God. I just heard a story on TV last night of how a woman believes that when a rainbow appears, it is a sign that her beloved deceased husband is watching over her and their children.  She went on to say they have appeared at monumental times since his death at family milestones. I actually thought at the time I was listening to this story that it had been a long time since I saw a rainbow.  Low and behold – the next morning it came! Some even believe there’s a leprechaun waiting with a pot of gold at rainbow’s end!  As for me, I think it’s just another of God’s amazing creations that blesses us with the promise of eternal peace and happiness, giving us a reason to be joyful with the promise of good things to come.

Procrastination: 

•  To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.
•  To postpone or delay needlessly.

Sound familiar?

Procrastination – why do we do it?  Why don’t we get that we’re doing it when we are?  Why don’t we step up and get going when we know we should?  Who knows?  Maybe it’s because it’s a daunting task that taxes us to our limit. Maybe because we’ve done it so many times before that we’re sick and tired of being sick and tired. Maybe the task is so boring and rudimentary that it sends us to the mountaintop screaming, “I’m as bored as hell, and I just can’t take it anymore.” (apologies to Peter Finch)  Maybe we’re just lazy.

Some days I drag around like a dry mop, not doing much of any good for anything or anybody, least of all myself.  I hate days like that.  I coulda, woulda, shoulda myself at day’s end and then surrender to the fact that I wasted another day.  I throw my hands up in the air and hope the sun will come out tomorrow, and the dawn of a new day will energize and enlighten me to know exactly what I need to do and  how to do it. 

Who doesn’t procrastinate, especially when you’re living a life which is seemingly aimless and without direction?  Everyone feels that way at some point or another. That’s me at the moment.  Just hanging and waiting for the next chapter of my life to begin.  Waiting for that bolt of lightning to hit and redirect me to the life I’m supposed to be living.  To that place of meaning where my skills will be welcomed and my life will start thriving once more.  The movers and shakers will tell you that you have to get on the train and get moving.  But which train and where?  I seriously lack the comprehension of knowing which direction to go.  It’s a precarious position to be in at my “advancing” age. There’s no defined answer to this dilemma at the moment, except to cut the procrastination and keep doing anything and everything I can think of to keep me moving forward.

And so I’ve got to go and get to the station – train’s pulling out. 

Destination:  Whereverthechipsmayfall

Today is the last day my daughter Katie will be in her twenties.  Tomorrow, on January 13^th, she turns 30 years old!!!  It’s an amazing miracle since I only just turned 29 on my last birthday :).  Don’t remind her, though.  She’s not very happy about this leap into the next decade.  Ah, youth….she doesn’t understand that she is only in her prime.  The seasoning comes much later on.

The day before Katie was born I met some friends I used to work with for a Chinese lunch.  I can’t remember what I had, and I didn’t know that 24 hours later I would become a mom.  I do remember it was a sunny day, and I was gushing to my friends about my happiness and excitement of having this baby.  I couldn’t wait for her to be here.  At 3 AM the next morning, I awoke with the first pangs of labor. The beginning snowflakes of a major blizzard were just beginning to fall.  I took a shower, packed my bag for the hospital and waited patiently as the contractions got hard enough to go to the hospital.  I made the rough, bumpy trip in a pick up truck, since I wasn’t sure how deep the snow would get.  My beloved Dr. Tsai was already at the hospital. Labor was hard, ending in a C-section, but at 12:33 PM my little 7 lb. 10 oz., 19 inch baby girl made her appearance into the world.  Little Katie Lynn. She was born with her eyes wide open, looking toward the light and that is the way she has always lived her life. She has also plowed her way successfully through many of life’s blizzards.

As an infant she never slept, too curious and afraid she would miss something.  As a little girl she was a leader among her friends and to Megan, she was an annoying but loving big sister.  She was always a good friend, thoughtful and kind and generous.  Katie’s had her ups and downs in life but has always worked through the tough times and landed on her feet. She has become a talented teacher and loving fiancée to Blake.

I thank Kate for teaching me how to be a mother and Megan for joining her for those lessons two years later. Being a mom was not the easiest job in the world, but it was the most fulfilling. It seemed so hard at the time, and I used to long for the days when they would be grown and I would have some time to myself.  Little did I know that when that time came, I would long for the days when they were little. I didn’t realize how much I would miss that precious time together. I can say with conviction that being a mom is the only thing I’ve done right in my life, and I thank God every day for the blessings of my daughters.

So I raise my glass and my heart to you today, my sweet girl.  I ache with pride for the woman you’ve become.  I wish you all good things in life and more happiness than your heart can hold. Enjoy each moment and live your life well – keeping your eyes wide open and looking toward the light. And don’t sweat the big “30,” Kate, for the best is yet to come!