I am, with good reason, not all that anxious to get back into the dating game. It’s been many moons since I’ve had a first date. Most of the time I’m pretty content being alone, but there are times when solitaire leaves a lot to be desired. Let’s just say that I’ve known lonely. Fact is, I haven’t really met anyone who sparks that little indescribable something that makes a heart go pitter pat. Sometimes I feel like I’m at the end of my romance rope, and things like that are over for me. It wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen.
But I have to admit that I hope, at times, that I would just naturally meet someone across a crowded room. My daughters insist that only happens in the movies and not in the “real world.” I admit that I watch way too many romantic comedies involving Tom Hanks. So my girls kept pushing me to go on a dating website that will remain nameless. I only reluctantly agreed because it was offering a cheap one-month special wherein I had nothing to lose. What was I thinking?!?
At first there were a lot of over-seventy types trying to throw me a line. I mean, I know old age is catching up with me, but I don’t want it crawling all over me, too! One of them was an Aristotle Onassis-type in gold sunglasses and jewelry sprawled across his very large boat/yacht in a very small swimsuit (gag) calling me Princessa. Another looked close to eighty with huge old-fashioned glasses and a ball cap inscribed with “FBI” sitting in a recliner in a rumpled shirt. Wow, hold me back! But, mister, really, there’s a new invention called an iron…especially if you’re posing for a picture meant to attract the opposite sex! Still another put a succession of photos up insisting that although he was 75, his friends said he looked 55 (not by these pictures, buddy) and that “everything” was in working order. (Are you kidding me…I mean, seriously?!) I guess to them I am considered the younger woman, which is flattering in a way, or pathetic in another, depending on the way you look at it, or maybe they’re just looking for a future caregiver in more ways than one. Maybe if I were attracted to someone around that age, it wouldn’t be an issue. But really?!?
There were a couple of “age appropriate” gentlemen (term used lightly) who messaged me, but I just wasn’t that into them. There was a flirty man who had his dog talk for him since I am animal lover, but when I messaged him back with my dog doing the talking, I never heard from him again. Yes, it is all weird, trust me. Recently, actually the day before this one-month special deal was ending, I finally had two men simultaneously email me whom I found interesting. One was attractive in a sweet way, who had kind eyes and looked harmless. The second was a hot dog posting 15 narcissistic pictures of himself in various poses along with his motor cycle and bike and wearing various outfits from swimsuits to Halloween costumes. The latter I recognized as a local professional whom I’ve dealt with. He didn’t seem to recognize me, which is good. But his emails were quirky, and I couldn’t help but quirk back. Then, since he was also new on this website, he asked me how I was doing on it…meaning how’s the action? Am I weird, or is that a stupid question to ask someone you might be interested in? Heh, how’re you going here? Is it full of action? Do you think I can get some? (Ah, bye, bye, Birdie, on your not-so-hot motorcycle.)
The other kind-faced guy seemed warm and welcoming and innocent. “Oh, why not?” I decided after he had emailed me a few times, and I hadn’t answered. I finally sent him a brief “getting to know you” email. The next morning I got an email from him, “Heh, thanks for the phone call. Sorry I missed you, but I was outside working on my house, so please call me again and leave your number, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Ah, excuse me, but I didn’t call you, and you didn’t give me your number, not that I wanted it, knucklehead. You should try to keep your women straight, OK?! I didn’t actually use those words, but when I sent him an “Oops” email that I wasn’t the one who called he wrote back, “I guess it was just wishful thinking that it would be you :).” (Yes, he actually did put a smiley face at the end of the sentence. Mr. Smooth, right?) Watch out for those innocent-looking ones…
Maybe I’m just plain gun shy, but I decided to delete the account. I’m content, for now, to just keep looking across a crowded room.
P.S. Sorry for the overuse of air quotes…it’s better than expletives :).
I see it in the tea leaves… a tall, well groomed man in silk pantaloons and velvet waistcoat with a crown upon his brow is coming to place a golden slipper upon your feet… and man, is that guy going to be gay…
I can’t even express how much I loved reading this! When that prince comes, he will have found a treasure in you! ☺
I’ve got to stop believing in fairy tales…it’s killing me! But this I know…you, dear beachgirl, are a treasured friend!