Author Archives: susezit

About susezit

~ Expressing random thoughts and issues is my thing. ~ I’m complicated. ~ I understand quirky. ~ I'm a work in progress. ~ I've discovered I'm pretty strong. ~ I'm trying to become the me I've always wanted to be. (Essays are original works of the author. All rights reserved.)

Oct25

SOMEDAY MY PRINCE WILL COME???

Posted on October 25, 2013 by susezit

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I am, with good reason, not all that anxious to get back into the dating game. It’s been many moons since I’ve had a first date. Most of the time I’m pretty content being alone, but there are times when solitaire leaves a lot to be desired. Let’s just say that I’ve known lonely. Fact is, I haven’t really met anyone who sparks that little indescribable something that makes a heart go pitter pat. Sometimes I feel like I’m at the end of my romance rope, and things like that are over for me. It wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen.

But I have to admit that I hope, at times, that I would just naturally meet someone across a crowded room. My daughters insist that only happens in the movies and not in the “real world.” I admit that I watch way too many romantic comedies involving Tom Hanks. So my girls kept pushing me to go on a dating website that will remain nameless. I only reluctantly agreed because it was offering a cheap one-month special wherein I had nothing to lose. What was I thinking?!?

At first there were a lot of over-seventy types trying to throw me a line. I mean, I know old age is catching up with me, but I don’t want it crawling all over me, too! One of them was an Aristotle Onassis-type in gold sunglasses and jewelry sprawled across his very large boat/yacht in a very small swimsuit (gag) calling me Princessa. Another looked close to eighty with huge old-fashioned glasses and a ball cap inscribed with “FBI” sitting in a recliner in a rumpled shirt. Wow, hold me back! But, mister, really, there’s a new invention called an iron…especially if you’re posing for a picture meant to attract the opposite sex! Still another put a succession of photos up insisting that although he was 75, his friends said he looked 55 (not by these pictures, buddy) and that “everything” was in working order. (Are you kidding me…I mean, seriously?!) I guess to them I am considered the younger woman, which is flattering in a way, or pathetic in another, depending on the way you look at it, or maybe they’re just looking for a future caregiver in more ways than one. Maybe if I were attracted to someone around that age, it wouldn’t be an issue. But really?!?

There were a couple of “age appropriate” gentlemen (term used lightly) who messaged me, but I just wasn’t that into them. There was a flirty man who had his dog talk for him since I am animal lover, but when I messaged him back with my dog doing the talking, I never heard from him again. Yes, it is all weird, trust me. Recently, actually the day before this one-month special deal was ending, I finally had two men simultaneously email me whom I found interesting. One was attractive in a sweet way, who had kind eyes and looked harmless. The second was a hot dog posting 15 narcissistic pictures of himself in various poses along with his motor cycle and bike and wearing various outfits from swimsuits to Halloween costumes. The latter I recognized as a local professional whom I’ve dealt with. He didn’t seem to recognize me, which is good. But his emails were quirky, and I couldn’t help but quirk back. Then, since he was also new on this website, he asked me how I was doing on it…meaning how’s the action? Am I weird, or is that a stupid question to ask someone you might be interested in? Heh, how’re you going here? Is it full of action? Do you think I can get some? (Ah, bye, bye, Birdie, on your not-so-hot motorcycle.)

The other kind-faced guy seemed warm and welcoming and innocent. “Oh, why not?” I decided after he had emailed me a few times, and I hadn’t answered. I finally sent him a brief “getting to know you” email. The next morning I got an email from him, “Heh, thanks for the phone call. Sorry I missed you, but I was outside working on my house, so please call me again and leave your number, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Ah, excuse me, but I didn’t call you, and you didn’t give me your number, not that I wanted it, knucklehead. You should try to keep your women straight, OK?! I didn’t actually use those words, but when I sent him an “Oops” email that I wasn’t the one who called he wrote back, “I guess it was just wishful thinking that it would be you :).” (Yes, he actually did put a smiley face at the end of the sentence. Mr. Smooth, right?) Watch out for those innocent-looking ones…

Maybe I’m just plain gun shy, but I decided to delete the account. I’m content, for now, to just keep looking across a crowded room.

P.S. Sorry for the overuse of air quotes…it’s better than expletives :).

Oct6

IN THE WEE SMALL HOURS OF THE MORNING

Posted on October 6, 2013 by susezit

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In the wee small hours of the morning…when the whole wide world is fast asleep…

My favorite place…

That’s the time I like to sit out on the deck, breathing deeply and taking in the quiet and the still of the new day rising. I look upon the water; it is as smooth as glass with nary a ripple. The surrounding homes are dark…everyone seems to be in slumber. The sun has not yet begun to rise and the moon has yet to say good night. The hazy fog is thick and damp as it hangs heavily in the air. It’s just me in the quiet with only the chirping of a few crickets. It’s my favorite time of day. That’s the time I think about things or try not to think about things. I sip on a hot cup of coffee in my favorite mug, and as the steamy nectar warms me, I realize that for this moment in time, all is right in the world. I’m full of hope and wonder what good things the day has in store for me. I pray for those I love and ask God’s blessings on them. “Please guide them and keep them safe,” I whisper. I mention my worries and ask for advice. I read my daily devotionals and try to find the message and meanings and inspiration for my life. I read a few lines from the Good Book. Sometimes something unique will come to mind…direction…an answer…or just plain silence to figure it out on my own.

Soon the dawn is breaking in brilliant hues of pink and blue. The dazzling rays of the sun pierce the darkness and cast warmth upon my skin. The moon fades in the distance, bowing to the new day. My cup is empty; my books are closed. I am ready for today.

Oct4

INDIAN SUMMER

Posted on October 4, 2013 by susezit

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According to Wikipedia, an Indian summer is a heat wave that occurs in the autumn. It refers to a period of above-normal temperatures (70 degrees), accompanied by dry and hazy conditions, usually after there has been a killing frost. The North American Indians – native Americans – depended upon periods of fine, quiet, sunny weather at this time of year to complete their harvest to see them through the winter. Thus, the name.

We in the Northeast section of the United States happen to be in the middle of a gorgeous Indian summer right now. These are perfect beach days with comfortably warm temperatures and sunny blue skies, not that I’ve had time to go to the beach. As the massive flocks of birds fly overhead as if they were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie, heading for the South for winter, they seem to pause to rest on our electrical lines. Maybe they’re a little confused about whether to come or go since the weather is beautifully comfortable right here, right now. And although I enjoy all things autumn including chilly sweater days, apples and pumpkin picking for pies and the return to hardy meals of soup, chili and stews, I have to say that I’m enjoying this last burst of summer before the cold sets in.

The Birds!

As kids, my Mom used to have us looking forward to the warm days of Indian Summer as if it were a magical happening like a blue moon or eclipse. Why? I’m not really sure. But she had us anticipating this enchanting time of year as if it were Christmas. “I wonder when Indian summer will come?” she used to say. “We won’t put the summer clothes away quite yet because Indian summer is coming soon.” On and on she went. And as we trudged off to school in our heavy sweaters, we knew that the special unseasonably warm days were coming when we’d be able to wear our shorts and summer clothes for one more brief time. Sort of like a last hurrah. Looking back I guess it was kind of weird.

Eventually the chill of autumn and then winter will return. But I still look forward to Indian summer like a kid, and now that it’s happening, I can’t help but think of my Mom and how much she loved it. I’ll never be sure of why and for what reason she loved it so much since she’s been gone for quiet some time. But in any case, it’s a warm reminder of her.

My Mom

Sep21

What if doing the hokey pokey is what it’s all about?

Posted on September 21, 2013 by susezit

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I work as a special education classroom assistant, and I have to tell you that besides a heavy dose of patience and kindness, you need to have a lot of understanding, some good running shoes, the ability to lift 80 lbs. of limp weight, and must have a hardy sense of humor.

Take one day, for instance, while we were in a music class. The teacher’s plans included dancing to the hokey pokey. Sounds like fun, right? The music started playing, one child covered her ears because it was too loud. The other decided it would be more interesting to climb the risers instead. Still another was transfixed on a computer screen in the distance. We brought them back into the circle trying desperately to make this dance look like great fun as we smiled and clapped and demonstrated the steps while they watched disinterested. We were almost tempted to give up.

Then all of a sudden it happened…that one brilliant moment in time when they got it. All of a sudden they’re all putting their left foot in and out and shaking it all about, They’re smiling and doing the hokey pokey as they are turning themselves around like it’s nobody’s business. They’re laughing, they make eye contact, and your heart lifts and soars at this totally wonderful accomplishment. They get it for this one brief shining moment, and all is well in the world. Then as fast as they got it, it’s over. One continues her quest of mimicking all the sounds of the instruments she sees on the poster on the wall, another rolls around on the ground speaking in a language only she understands and the other one stares off into the distance at nothing in particular.

Although these children have behaviors that are not always considered the norm, I couldn’t help but wonder, if in a way, this is actually what life is all about. Sometimes we get it; sometimes we don’t Sometimes we want to listen to loud music and dance; sometimes we want to cover our ears and be quiet. Sometimes we want to put our hands and heads and feet in and shake them all about, while other times we’d rather just stare off at nothing in particular. Sometimes we want to smile and have fun when we’ve actually gotten something right, and sometimes we’d rather just climb off to somewhere else instead.

I couldn’t help but to ask myself, “What if doing the hokey pokey is what it’s all about?!”

Sep12

911 REMEMBRANCE

Posted on September 12, 2013 by susezit

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It was a sunny Tuesday morning, and I had just sat down to eat a bowl of Rice Krispies with peaches. I was starting a new job in a few days and was savoring the last of my leisurely mornings as I turned on the news to catch up with the daily events. The channel that was on showed a puzzled Katie Couric saying, “A plane accident has occurred at the Twin Towers.” As the camera panned to a live view, another plane appeared out of nowhere and crashed into the second Tower. I watched in shocked horror, as did Katie, trying to make sense out of what had just happened. She looked as amazed as I felt, not quite sure what to make of it.

My daughter called from college in tears. I worried about my younger daughter attending high school. Was everyone safe?

I switched around to other stations to see if this were real, and a little while later settled on Peter Jennings. For the next 10 to 12 hours I sat glued to my set, watching in sheer disbelief – wanting to walk away but paralyzed in front of the TV – frozen in horror. And there was Peter Jennings, reporting up to the minute details and trying to give us some kind of reassurance as we slowly realized nothing would ever be the same. I remember seeing the hundreds of rescue workers and ambulances lined up, ready to take people to the hospital. Waiting and waiting in eerie silence, not yet understanding there would be few survivors from those buildings. The magnitude of the loss of life was still unrealized.

I stayed with Mr. Jennings for most of the day, trusting his expertise and insight. Way after 11 p.m. he was still there, sleeves rolled up, tie off now, looking haggard and drained but still telling us the details we needed to know. He was soothing and reassuring, trying to keep a nation calm in the midst of hysteria. When Mr. Jennings passed away a while later, my heart ached as thoughts of 911 came flooding back, along with the question of whom we could count on to see us through the next catastrophe.

My thoughts and prayers are with those who have lost loved ones in the horrible 911 tragedy. My heart aches for their loss. Watching the roll call this morning brought tears to my eyes once more. I’ve been thinking about all that has transpired since then, and the word “trust” came to mind. I realize that in this ever-changing world in which we live, filled with so much uncertainty, the only One we can really trust to see us through is God.

Where were you on 911?

Sep2

OM RITAM NAMAH

Posted on September 2, 2013 by susezit

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My heart is aching today for sunshine on this dreary day, as I yearn to return to a place of deep rest and tranquility. It was a time I personally began to take a deeper look into meditation. Sometimes I think maybe that period, only a short while ago, may have been slightly illusionary because I have failed to keep that serenity inside my heart. I have stumbled and fallen back into the disquiet of every day life with the unrest and turmoil it brings, where I keep allowing others to affect me in negative ways.

I want it back…that feeling of peace. I understand now how special it was as the soothing sound of the meditation music I am listening to at the moment triggers my memory. I remember the calmness of watching a palm tree gently blowing in the warm Florida breeze just outside my window. I remember how relaxing it was to be mesmerized by the flow and rhythm of the ocean on a perfect beach day, watching the passing clouds drift lazily by. The happiness of frolicking with my exuberant sidekick Riley amidst the lush vegetation where a gorgeous bird of paradise plant catches my eye. My heart begins to swell again with yearning to go back. But life insists that I keep moving forward.

Tomorrow I start a new chapter in my life, and my hopes are high that it will lead me in a direction I need to go. One where I will finally find the happiness I have longed for. One where I can bring positive energy to those who need it the most. Maybe all this inner mysticism is just a touch of angst for the new and unknown. I don’t mean to sound so Deepak Chopra-ish, although I admire him deeply for mentoring me along this meditation journey.

Bird of Paradise

My centering thought today is: I use my energy to heal and transform. My hope is that I can keep this foremost in my mind as I begin anew. The translation for Om Ritam Namah: My intentions and desires are in alignment with and supported by the rhythm of the universe. I am holding tightly onto that mantra with all my heart and soul.

My sidekick Riley.

NAMASTE.

Sep1

FAITH

Posted on September 1, 2013 by susezit

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Faith…isn’t always a leap. Sometimes it’s just one little step after another with lots of falling down and getting back up in between.

That’s life. Ups and downs…downs and ups. Never steady, always changing. And like that box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.

I have a friend who recently lost everything. I won’t invade her privacy by telling you the how’s or when’s, but she is left to rebuild from the bottom up with nothing. Is she depressed? No. Is she down and out? No. Instead of dwelling on her own problems, she continues to surprise others with her giving. Her prayers. Her unexpected surprises. She continues worrying about others and caring for others and giving what she can with what she has. She buys little things and stows them away, waiting for the right person and the right opportunity to surface to give it away. She feels blessed by all that was given to her after the catastrophe that struck her family. So much abundance, in fact, that she is able to extend her blessings by sharing her gifts with others in need.

If you talk with her for awhile, you can tell that deep down inside a golden heart is beating. That she may even have brilliant white wings tucked under that tee-shirt she’s wearing. She smiles a lot. She’s upbeat. She’s positive and faith-filled. She’s encouraging. While her own world has been turned upside down, she doesn’t reflect on that but instead asks you about yours.

She brings tears to my eyes with her humbleness and humility and non-ceasing ability to make me smile. I am proud to call her my friend…my role model…my angel on earth. She never ceases to amaze me, and I know her putting in a good word upstairs has caused me to flourish in so many ways.

She gave me a coffee mug today with the FAITH inscription that opens this blog. It brought tears to my eyes, and I just wanted to say thank you to her for putting everything into perspective for me.

Aug22

BLUE MOON

Posted on August 22, 2013 by susezit

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Blue Moon
You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own

Blue Moon
You know just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for
Someone I really could care for

And then there suddenly appeared before me
The only one my arms will ever hold
I heard somebody whisper please adore me
And then I looked to the Moon it turned to gold

Blue Moon
Now I’m no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own

Meg and Riley with the Blue Moon high in the sky.

I’m gazing up at the gorgeously full blue moon and thinking about those whom I hold close in my heart even though they’re far away. My daughter Meg and her husband Matt in Florida. When we look up at this satellite of the earth in our far corners of the world, we somehow feel like we are together…connected and closer…one with the moon, so to speak. I send her a picture I take of it with my phone and then receive one she takes with hers. We are there together seeing it at the same time. I miss her.

When I see this gorgeous reflection of the sun, I am also reminded of my dear friend John Murphy, especially in August when some years ago in this very same month I was in the hospital scared and he was in the hospital in another corner of the world probably scared as well. I felt connected to him by just looking out my window to the mysterious glowing ball in the hot orange summer night sky. Even though he’s gone now, I still feel him closely watching over me every time I gaze up to see that beautiful celestial circle smiling down on me as I know he is. This thing called the moon…it connects us in mysterious ways, controls our moods and can be romantic and scary all at the same time. I am just so in love with it.

So I tip my hat to the blue moon on this hot August night. I’m hoping for what the song lyrics ask for and say prayers for those I really care for…past…present…and future.

Blue Moon
Now I’m no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own

Aug14

SLANG

Posted on August 14, 2013 by susezit

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I was walking Bella at the park yesterday when two little girls ran up to pet her. They asked me first if they could, which is good because you don’t want your hand chomped on by an unfriendly pup. Bella, of course, is a pushover…loves kids and people of all shapes and sizes. I asked the girls if they had a dog. Yes, the one answered, I have a boxador. A what? I asked. She repeated. I said I’d never heard of that breed and asked what it looked like. Sort of like your dog but different, she answered. I thought a moment. Oh, I commented, you mean a mix between a boxer and labrador? Yes, she said.

Boxador. Isn’t that just another name for a mutt? Or is it an actual new breed of dog like a Labradoodle or Puggle? Aren’t these just fancy names for mixes of breeds we used to call mutts? Yes, yes, I know, some are specifically bred to become those words, but it just sounds so pretentious to me. Boxador…hmmm.

There are a lot of words of the “newer” generation that have come to really annoy me. I heard the word “fantabulous” on a commercial the other day. Fantabulous. Really? I guess I’m annoyed because when people use the word “fabulous” the word “pompous” rings in my head. You’re fabulous. I’m fabulous. Barf much? Now its like, if you wear these new over-priced shoes, you’ll look so fantabulous! Eck…

Other words like “deliciousness,” grate on my nerves. Why can’t you just say delicious? Why do you have to add the “ness?” What’s that all about? Or “amahzing!” Seriously? Is that a level above amazing?! “Excellante!” What? Do we have to reinvent language to sound cool? I guess saying “cool” is “generational.” Now “generational” is a word that really gets on my last nerve, especially as I get older. “Oh, well, that’s a “generational” way of doing things,” someone will say. Why don’t you just be honest and come out with what you’re really trying to say?! Generational means “old.” I guess it’s supposed to be less offensive to the senior population to use that word.

I wonder if my parents were annoyed when we used words like “hip” and “groovy” and “super” and “cool”? Maybe so. I guess every decade has to come up with its own slang that will annoy the generation before…to name a few:

In the 50’s it was square, weirdo, chick, cool cats, cornball, gig

In the 60’s: fuzz, gas, groovy, hip, non-conformist, bread, boob tube, acid, tune in, turn on, drop out

In the 70’s: dude, far out, sock it to me, real trip, drag, nerd, trippin’, downer

In the 80’s: bitchin’, duh, chill pill, barf me out, gag me with a spoon, gnarly, psych

In the 90’s: bling-bling, ice, all that, crib, my bad, snap, score, sweet, sick

And now it’s: (besides the annoying amahzing, excellante, fantabulous and generational), pretty much, not, biotch, hot, awesome, shut up, what, really, you rock, wicked. Not to even mention some of the social media slang: lol, btw, ur, etc.

It seems that as each generation evolves, a slang code must come with it. So don’t be a square, you weirdo. Learn to be a groovy non-conformist in finding a way to be a far out dude. I mean, life is a downer if you don’t make it a trippin’ experience, so don’t gag me with a spoon by being a drag. Just take a chill pill, put on your bling and relax in your crib. My bad to be such a biotch about the awesomeness of slang. So I’ll pretty much just shut up and bask in my own amahzing generational fantabulousness. LOL.

Jul23

REVERSE BUCKET LIST

Posted on July 23, 2013 by susezit

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My brother and I were driving along when we came upon a car trailing an 18-foot boat with a Yamaha V6 200 HP motor on the back. “What’s he doing with such a big motor on a little boat?” Ken asked. “He probably tows water skiers,” I remarked. Then I added, “Another thing I would never do…water ski.” He said, “Yes, just add that to your reverse bucket list.”

Bucket lists. Do you have one? Some people like to list all the amazing things they want to accomplish before their lives are over. Me? My bucket list is in reverse. It’s things I would never do in my life. Yes, I guess I’m definitely not an adventurous girl. I was in my younger years when I did some incredibly crazy stuff. It’s amazing that I survived at all, really. As I get older I find that the bravery and daring I once possessed is now kind of going by the wayside. Maybe it’s partly due to getting older and wiser and realizing that I really don’t want to do anything that’s going to cut my life even shorter than it already is as the tunnel of my future narrows. Maybe it’s just the realization that some things are just tempting fate with stupidity.

I don’t think my list of stuff I wouldn’t do is over-the-top silly as far as what most people would or wouldn’t do, but I thought it would be fun to name some. So here is my Reverse Bucket List of things I will never do in my life:

Swimming in the same waters where sharks live. This includes surfing, paddle boarding, spear fishing, water skiing and scuba diving. I mean, have you seen all the “JAWS” movies? Watch them and take notes. Maybe then you will understand how and why I feel the way I do. I’m also not a big fan of the tuba or the keys of E or F that are played as the secret announcement of the appearance of this man-eating predator in the movies.
Eating crickets or grasshoppers or any insects in any food product including chocolate covered. All I can say is, “Yuk!” I also won’t be a contestant on any “Survivors” shows mainly because of this insect-eating thing, but I know I don’t even have to expand on the why not’s of the reasons I wouldn’t be on that show. Not that they would ask me.
Anything that involves extreme heights. Hang gliding, parasailing, rock climbing, parachuting out of a plane, scaling Mt.Everest or the Matterhorn or even just looking down from the Empire State Building. All I can say is “VERTIGO!” I did go to the Grand Canyon once but spent the day in a cold sweat only briefly glancing at the spectacular views. I mostly spent the bulk of the time browsing the gift shops in avoidance.
Walking barefoot across a path of red-hot lava rocks. That’s a no-brainer
Spending 20 hours on a plane to fly to Australia. I mean, I’d love to see the Great Barrier Reef and am very fond of kangaroos and all, but no, 20 hours in a plane just isn’t going to happen for me. Although maybe if I had the chance, I might rethink this one.
Horror movies of any kind, but with an emphasis on anything involving chain saws, Freddie Krueger or dolls that come alive and murder people. I just lose too much sleep thinking about it afterwards, and sleeping on some nights is already a challenge without the adage of recalling blood-covered corpses. That’s a definite no.
Attending any kind of heavy metal concert, if there is still such things, because I don’t really need my hearing to be impaired any more than it already is.
Snow skiing. First, I wouldn’t go up on a ski lift because of the height thing, and an added negative would be breaking my leg. Who needs that? I’m already taking calcium for my bones, thank you very much.
Entering a hot dog eating contest…or pie eating….or anything where you gorge yourself for a prize and then throw up. This just doesn’t appeal to me in any way.
Going on a cruise of any kind. If I’m hauled up in a tiny room under sea level and then have to worry about the boat sinking, the old reverse bucket list number one fear of sharks is multiplied tenfold. I don’t care how good the food is.

This is just a sampling. Things are always cropping up from day by day. You never know what I’ll avoid next. I think nowadays if I really wanted to do something that was dangerously adventurous and daring, I might just skip my blood pressure pill for one night and see what happens. Whew! Now there’s an adrenaline rush for you!

Would love to hear your comments on what’s on your own Reverse Bucket List…